Monday 24th June 2024,
The Hoop Doctors

Marcin Gortat Once Signed Wizards Fan’s Newborn Baby

gortWord to the wise and not sober: Be careful what you’re allowing professional athletes, specifically NBA players, to autograph for you.

I’m not saying don’t let them sign your trading card (do people still collect those?), basketball or team program. Napkins are fine, too. But draw the line at body parts. Please, oh please, draw the line at body parts.

Ergo, don’t embrace the movement that has Wizards fans acting weird.

Wizards players were recently asked by Monumental about some of the weirdest things they had to sign. Their answers, brought to us by The Washington Post‘s Sarah Kogod, were, well, weird:

“I can’t say it,” John Wall joked, when asked by Monumental what unusual thing fans have asked him to sign. “I’ve signed somebody’s forehead before. They told me they’d never wash it.”

Martell Webster also got a forehead request.

“A grown man,” said Webster. “I’m not proud of it. He wanted his forehead signed, so I signed his forehead.”

Trevor Ariza didn’t mention foreheads, but he did autograph a kid once.

“I signed a little kid’s back before,” he laughed. “That’s pretty strange.”

All right, let’s tackle these in order.

Why could Wall not “say it” at first? Is signing someone’s forehead really that taboo? Or did he actually not “say it,” it being someone’s ass, cleavage or testicles? I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

Me, I’m reminded of Happy Gilmore, when Adam Sandler’s character—Happy Gilmore, duh—goes around signing a bunch of breasts. Maybe that’s what happened to Wall. Or perhaps it’s a bit more x-rated, like he was asked to sign someone’s, you know…

The whole forehead thing is a bit peculiar. If you’re a grown-ass man, don’t ask Webster to sign your forehead. I don’t care how many threes he just hit that game. What’s the point? Don’t ask Wall, either. That’s just as pointless.

Kudos to Wall for actually signing that “they told me they’d never wash it” forehead. If someone’s saying that to me, I’m inclined to believe they don’t wash themselves to begin with. And I don’t want to touch that.

Ariza’s foray into underage tattoo artistry is pretty wild, too. I’m really interested to know what he meant by “little kid.” Like, a kid or teenager old enough to ask for themselves? Or did some (not-)Parent of the Year ask him to sign their baby’s back? Draw your own conclusions there.

Newcomer Marcin Gortat, however, has everyone beat:

“The craziest thing I had to sign. You really wanna know?” he said. “Well, obviously all different parts of the body. Abs, hands, arms, head. I recently signed a forehead of a freshly born baby, which was ridiculous. And I said, ‘Why would you want to do that?’ and the lady said, ‘It’s gonna be a sign he’s gonna be a basketball player.’ So, for some reason, I don’t know why I signed it, why I did it, I felt bad for this kid. But at the end of the day I realized I would never do this again.”

Seriously? She was allowed to reproduce? Nevermind this lunatic wanted Gortat to sign her newborn baby, or that Gortat actually signed said baby, the reasoning here is ridiculous.

She thought it was a sign that her son was going to be a professional basketball player? Because his head was signed by Gortat? Jose Lima—may he rest in peace—once signed a magazine of mine while he was on the Astros, and I never became an MLB pitcher. Just saying.

Don’t be that girl. Or guy. Don’t have Gortat sign your baby. Don’t even have LeBron James sign your baby. It’s weird. Probably reckless. I wouldn’t know, because I don’t have kids. But if I did–especially a newborn—one of the things I most definitely wouldn’t do is ask a rich athlete to defile his or her body with a Sharpie.

Call me old fashioned, but I’d much rather have them sign a blank check with their name already printed on it.

Dan Favale is a firm believer in the three-pointer as well as the notion that defense doesn’t always win championships. His musings can be found at Bleacherreport.com in addition to TheHoopDoctors.com.

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