Here are 5 fake games that we thought would be ‘interesting’ from this season that won’t happen due to the NBA lockout. But we decided to imagine they were to happen anyway….
Friday, November 18th, 2011 @ 7:00 PM EST – Milwaukee Bucks at Toronto Raptors
For the first time in league history, not a single person will be in attendance at an NBA basketball game. Sure, camaramen, crowd control and vendors will all be there but there will be no one to sell overpriced commemorative cups to that night. It’s the perfect opportunity for Stephen Jackson to go Latrell Sprewell on Scott Skiles without anyone knowing about it. To add to the misery, Andrea Bargnani will finally have the breakout game the NBA blogosphere has been craving for years. “He’s so much like Dirk it’s crazy!!”
Tuesday, December 6th, 2011 @ 8:00 PM EST – Los Angeles Lakers at Houston Rockets
With the Lakers down by 1 at the start of the third quarter, Kobe Bryant finally decides to kick it into overdrive. Or does he? Mysterious signals start coming from the baseline as Rockets GM Daryl Morey appears to be signing something to his players. Kevin Martin mysteriously stops shooting every ball that’s passed to him and instead comes up limping on several plays. Morey seems to be signing in American Sign Language and one fan fluent in ASL said after the game, “Morey was signing ‘Fake injuries! Turn the ball over and back off Kobe. We need to start tanking now if we want to have the top pick in the draft and have enough ridiculous cap space to sign Dwight Howard!”
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012 @ 7:00 PM EST – Minnesota Timberwolves at Indiana Pacers
In a battle of the newest “up and comers” in the league, the Timberwolves won’t be able to make it through the game without 743 hair-flips from Ricky Rubio as he tries to get his bangs out of his eyes in the cutest way possible! Ol’ Ricky’s stat line will be as indecipherable as Danny Granger’s as he goes 6-11-3. Meanwhile, Granger will put up numbers of 26-4-2 showing he’s finally ready to be the primary option in Indianapolis. Er… wait, is he? I can’t tell.
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012 @ 7:30 PM EST – Cleveland Cavaliers at Miami Heat
The Cleveland Cavaliers will finally exact their revenge on LeBron James by engaging in a debauchery-filled afternoon pool party before the game and not inviting James. Knowing that exclusion is James’ biggest weakness, the Cavs players clever plan works like a charm as LeBron is unable to hold on to the basketball during the game due to his tears lubricating the palms of his hands to excess. James will, however, overcome the fiery Dan Gilbert’s comments when the Cleveland owner mentions: “LeBron is like Scottie to Wade’s Jordan”
“Dude, I love Scottie Pippen! COUNT THE RINGZ!” LeBron was overheard cackling at reporters after the game.
Thursday, April 5th 2012 @ 9:30 PM EST – Boston Celtics at Chicago Bulls
The evolution of the Boston Celtics will complete itself in this game as they go from downtrodden losers with a coach about to be fired (2006) to an evil empire who bought themselves a championship (2008) to old, decrepit losers with a coach about to be fired. Sunrise, sunset. More importantly, Derrick Rose will simply teleport from end-to-end instead of running and dribbling like the other mere mortals on the court. Rose will put up 46-11-10 and TNT’s Craig Sager will gush about his new suit: “I made it from the colorful skins of a rival tribe of Oompa Loompas. ALL FEAR LOOMPALAND OVERLORD SAGER!”
Dane Carbaugh is a published research author and can be found writing about the NBA all over the Internet. He can be found on Twitter at @DaneCarbaugh
