Oklahoma City Thunder

“Kevin Durant isn’t the Slim Reaper. Or KD. Or the Durantula. Or the Slender (something that rhymes with slender). He’s God.”

Last Week (1)

“Andrew Bynum makes us title favorites. He probably won’t play. And we really don’t need him. But he makes us favorites because: Suck it, Heat.”

Last Week (2)

“Our defense is good enough. So long as we score 120 points every night, our defense is good enough.”

Last Week (4)

“Stop talking about the Pacers. It’s the freaking regular season. We don’t care. Shit, us fans don’t even show up to Heat games until, like, midway through the third quarter anyway.”

Last Week (3)

“Hey, all of the NBA. Fuck you.”

Last Week (7)

Phoenix Suns

“Pssh, Pau Gasol? Who needs him? Not us. Keep him, Lakers. We won’t give you one of our many, many, basically-worthless-to-us-now first-round draft picks.”

“No, wait! We were only kidding. Please, please give us your seven-foot Spaniard with bouncy hair.”

Last Week (9)

Last Week (10)

Los Angeles Clippers

“Blake Griffin is not overrated. Look at what he’s done without CP3. Do we trust him to keep it up? No. But look what he’s done.”

Last Week (6)

“Welcome to Oakland, where we make Al Jefferson look waaaaaaaay better than he actually is.”

Last Week (8)

“Who you calling old and boring? There’s nothing wrong with experience. If Danny Green could start playing better and remain healthy, we’ll be fine. Just like we always are.”

“Also, Ray Allen can still kiss my ass.”

Last Week (5)

“We almost beat the Pacers. DID YOU SEE? WE ALMOST BEAT THE PACERS. DID YOU SEE? DID YA?”

Last Week (14)

“You think we’re going to trade Lowry? Puh-lease. Masai knows this team can do some damage. Screw tanking. We’d rather lose in the first round of the playoffs and let him leave for nothing this summer rather than plan for a brighter future.”

Last Week (13)

“We have a real chance to do something mediocre this season.”

Last Week (11)

Brooklyn Nets

“Look, if Pierce and Garnett start playing better, and if Joe ‘Jesus’ Johnson isn’t seriously hurt, and if D-Will stays healthy, and if Andrei Kirilenko stays healthy too, we have a real shot at making it out of the first round.”

Last Week (14)

Washington Wizards

“You’re not going to believe this…Chris Singleton is still in the NBA! And he’s on our team!”

Last Week (19)

“Love isn’t going anywhere. We have Pekovic and Rubio and Brewer and Martin and Barea. Why would he want to leave those guys behi—shit, he’s leaving isn’t he?”

Last Week (17)

Denver Nuggets

“No Nate Robinson? No Danilo Gallinari? No problem. Least we got ‘Melo. Oh, shit, we traded him in 2011? Damn. This weed took me back like five years for a second.”

Last Week (12)

“If Carlos Boozer wants to play in the fourth quarter then he better shut his yap and bow down to Tom Thibodeau and then promise to give Taj Gibson his starting spot.”

Last Week (16)

New York Knicks

“Yo, Felton. Forty fudge pops says you can’t play defense for an entire quarter without sweating frosting.”

Last Week (18)

“All questions will be answered from hereon out by responding, ‘Anthony Davis.’ Do we have hope for the future? Anthony Davis. Will we make the playoffs next year? Anthony Davis. What additions do we need to make to the roster this summer? Anthony Davis. Who likes to shower with an inflatable hippo? Anthony Davis.”
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Last Week (20)

Last Week (21)

Detroit Pistons

“Don’t trade Greg Monroe, trade Smoove. See if the Timberwolves will except him and Brandon Jennings for Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio. No, actually, that’s too much. They should throw in Kevin Martin for Charlie Villanueva because we’re giving up too much.”

Last Week (22)

“We’re too good. We’re too freaking good. Damn you, Eastern Conference. Screw y’all. We’re too good and it’s all your fault.”

Last Week (24)

Sacramento Kings

“Kiss our asses, Mike Dunleavy. Boogie could take you down any time he wants, you Casper-skin-tinged clown.”

Last Week (26)

“We ain’t trading Rondo to nobody. NOBODY. Unless it’s for a top draft pick. Or another star. Or the Lethal Weapon box set on Blu-ray.”

Last Week (27)

“Trade Evan Turner already dammit. And Spencer Hawes. And Thaddeus Young. And stop talking about Omer Asik. Dude’s a seven-foot, Muppet-looking tool.”

Last Week (28)

“Okay, so here’s the plan: Kobe’s going to get healthy and then hold Adam Silver at gunpoint so we get a top-five pick. And then we’re going to draft Dante Exum and then trade for Kevin Love next season and then we’re going to win a championship and Obama is going to hug us and everything will be fine.”

Last Week (25)

We’re going to my colleague Adam Fromal here for this one:

“Cavs are capable of beating good teams with our current roster. Just last night we almost beat a shitty team, who almost beat a mediocre team last week, who almost beat a good team last month. And our defense looked like…defense.”

Last Week (23)

Last Week (29)

“That last Giannis Antetokounmpo reverse you just saw wasn’t really a layup…it was God, revealing himself through obnoxious wingspan.”

Last Week (30)