I woke up in a cold sweat last night. I dreamt that there was no NBA offseason, no free agent signings to pour over and no rookie development during the summer league.
Goodness, what kind of sickness is this?
During my restless slumber I felt the heat of my fever creep over my mind like David Kahn outside Kurt Rambis’ windows. Crazy, stealthy, wild breathing matched countless irrational notions on what the landscape of the NBA would look like after an entire missed season of basketball. The depths of the human mind can be a terrible yet wonderful thing. If we ever wake up from this nightmare, we may have a hard time establishing reality from fantasy — or horror.
In one of the darkest, dampest hours for the NBA as a league, let’s strike a few matches and see which ones catch fire.
Your Life is Suddenly Filled with Everything You Ever Wanted OR The Timberwolves hire Mike D’Antoni after the New York Knicks fire him.
Tell me how a core of Chris Paul (definitely happening), Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire wins anything without a defensive head coach? Yes, Chris Paul is a master of steals but ‘Melo and STAT aren’t exactly hustlers on the defensive end of the court. Offense isn’t going to be that team’s issue.
Like Chicago, having a defensive-minded head coach will be the only way New York goes anywhere. The Knicks could fire D’Antoni after the lockout ends leaving Minnesota — who is looking to run — to scoop him up. Hey, it worked in Phoenix, right? Oh, right.
Your Wife and Kids Abandon You, Never to be Seen Again and Leaving You Utterly Alone OR Deron Williams goes to Israel and stays.
Haha, got you!
You’re Wanted for Murder and You Have to Run from the Authorities Through a Dark, Forested Wood OR The NBA players divorce their owners and teams.
In case you haven’t read David Berri’s article chronicling the most ridiculous NBA lockout solution put forth so far of this offseason, I’ll give you a chance to catch up on it. Go ahead. Did you read it? Did your brain explode?
Berri’s idea is to have the players form their own league away from the NBA owners, mostly because they make taxpayers pay for new stadiums. Not only does Berri completely fail to explain how NBA players will, you know, get paid millions of dollars (more taxpayer money?) with no millionaire owners, he doesn’t give any details on hiring a commissioner (public vote?) or how labor negotiations would be handled. I think the q-tip was in a little too far.
You’re Falling From the Sky and As You Approach the Ground You Start to Anticipate Death… And then You Wake Up OR Brandon Roy and Greg Oden get healthy, come back to win a championship.
I’m a Blazer fan and one who is in the minority — I do not believe either Roy or Oden will ever be fully healthy ever again. I get hosed for that opinion, so be it. However, I do have to agree with Blazer Nation that if Roy and Oden came back and were fully healthy, a new-and-improved Trail Blazer roster with Felton and Wallace is a legitimate title contender.
Are you happy Blazer fans?
You Meet the Love of Your Life and You’ve Never Known Her Before but You’re Happier than You’ve Ever Been OR The Milwaukee Bucks become the next Memphis Grizzlies.
Brandon Jennings, Stephen Jackson and Andrew Bogut make for a formidable team on paper or in NBA 2K12. Of course, there are reports that Staxx wants nothing to do with the Bucks, but we’ll see how badly he wants a trade come a year’s worth of no checks due to a lockout. The Bucks could be good next year. (I think my computer just laughed at me).
You’re Waiting In Anticipation as the Rollercoaster Climbs and Climbs and Climbs and Climbs Until You Reach the Top and… OR The Lakers get older, lose a year, trade Gasol, finish 2012-2013 at the bottom of the pack and pick up Austin Rivers in the 2013 draft.
Kobe Bryant finally has a successor and someone to impart his knowledge (or will) on in Austin Rivers. Who is Mr. Rivers? He’s the son of Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers and is the #2 prospect coming out of high school this year. He’s headed to Duke but his scouting report calls him “the most prolific offensive player in the 2011 class.” He also dunks quite well. You know what happens to high-scoring, dunking college kids? They go pro.
You’re Married to Jessica Alba Because You’re A Monster Truck Driving Lion Tamer Who Sleeps in a Pit of Diamonds in a Secret Volcano Lair OR The Timberwolves win 50 games in 2012-2013.
I’ve been thinking about a way for the Timberwolves to still be bad with Rubio, Derrick Williams, Kevin Love, Wesley Johnson, Martell Webster and (gulp) Darko. I just don’t see a way of them being all that awful — at least not 17-65 bad — in two years. If D’Antoni comes to Minny, they could run people out of the building where they’d presumably freeze to death since it’s about -20 F in the winter. Am I the only one who is interested in the Timberwolves because they could be good and not because David Kahn is crazy?
You Lose Your House, Kids, Job and Girlfriend Because of One Mistake and End Up Living on the Streets Searching for Them OR Boston returns to the NBA gutter.
Before LeBron went to Miami and before Carmelo went to New York, there was the Boston Celtics. How good were the Celtics in the years before the massive 2007 trade for Allen and Garnett? In the 14 seasons from 1993 to 2007, the Boston Celtics only finished with a record above .500 three times. So much for one of the “greatest franchises in sports.”
Revisionist historians in Boston have washed the feet of Paul Pierce and Doc Rivers in the last four years but if you remember correctly, Paul Pierce was a frustrated, immature star on a losing team in 2006. It surprised many of us that Doc Rivers was kept on as coach seeing as how he’d gone just 102-144 his first three seasons in Boston.
But the world has seen Pierce and Rivers through clam chowder-tinted glasses and no one feels as adamant about their villainy as they do about LeBron. Boston has been a team ran poorly in the decades since Larry Bird’s back gave out on him and they’ll no doubt return to the gutter once the Big 3 leave Beantown.
Your Girlfriend Cheats on You, Then Leaves Town with Another Man OR Sacramento moves to Anaheim.
If you’ve read my previous work, you know I think the Maloofs are trying to sabotage their own franchise into being terrible so they can move out of Sacramento. Anaheim is its own market that doesn’t dig into Lakerland. Have you ever tried driving from LA to Anaheim? It takes an hour-and-a-half in LA traffic. Plus, they can just take all the people who are begrudging Clippers fans because they hate the Lakers.
Your Girlfriend Cheats on You but Tells You She’s Not Cheating on You, Then She Leaves Town with Another Man OR Atlanta moves to Seattle.
You know what would really cheer up the depressed people of dreary, rainy Seattle? Inheriting a team with an immovable contract in Joe Johnson and horrible management! Seriously, here’s who the Hawks have drafted since 2005: Acie Law, Al Horford, Sergiy Gladyr, Jeff Teague, Pape Sy, Damion Jones, Shelden Williams, Solomon Jones, Marvin Williams, Cenk Akyol, and Salim Stoudamire. The only people who have been worth the pick is Al Horford (Marvin Williams at #2? Ugh. Jeff Teague may yet redeem himself). That’s without any picks in 2008!
In all reality, if the Hawks moved I would think it would be, ironically, a Clay Bennet-type situation in which a new owner comes in and purchases them with the intention of moving them.
That or someone buys the Hornets and turns them in to the Sonics. Whatever.
You’re the Star in the NBA Finals and You Hit the Game Winning Shot and the Champagne Never Tasted So Real OR Kevin Pritchard single-handedly returns the Indiana Pacers to glory.
Although Pritchard made one glaring, one-leg-an-inch-longer-than-the-other mistake in Portland, he really did a good job turning Tyrus Thomas into LaMarcus Aldridge and Randy Foye into Brandon Roy. If KP takes the baton from Larry Bird in Indiana he could wave his magic wand and trade Brandon Rush, Darren Collison, Roy Hibbert and Tyler Hansborough in to Andre Iguodala. Then he could sign David West to a FA contract.
The core in Indiana would be George Hill, Iggy, Danny Granger and West. How hot would that be? You’d have the young floor general in Hill, a defensive stopper and slasher in A.I., a streak shooter in Granger and a 20-10 rock in West. Color me in yellow-and-blue right now.
You Are a Superhero with the Ability to Fly and Everybody Needs Your Help OR The Rockets sign Dwight Howard.
Has anyone been paying attention to the Houston Rockets? Me either. We all better get with the program though, because Daryl Morey has quietly assembled a team that came in at just $45mm in salary last year and has six players with team options for the year 2012-2013. If we skip a season and Houston doesn’t sign anyone back they will have just about as much cap space to play with as anyone.
Dwight Howard has worked with Hakeem Olajuwon in seasons past to hone his game and he could push him in the direction of his beloved Rockets.
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In the dreamworld of the NBA lockout, anything is possible. Our imagination can run wild with rhetorical questions, blissful fantasies and screaming terror in the coming months. The question now is this: Which of these should we sleep on, and which should we wake up from?
I need to lay off the cheese before bedtime.
The newest edition to The Hoop Doctors writing staff, Dane Carbaugh is the editor and lead writer of the popular new basketball blog A Young Sabonis. Dane is a published research author and also writes for Dime Magazine and Bleacher Reprt. He can be found on Twitter at @DaneCarbaugh
