Saturday 23rd November 2024,

NBA Power Rankings: Knicks, Pistons Are Not Good; Warriors Are Not Human

admin December 10, 2014 Blogs No Comments

Pssst. Hey! You! Guess what?

The Philadelphia 76ers are not the worst team in the NBA right now. True freaking story.

Also, pssst!

The Chicago Bulls amnestied Carlos Boozer and somehow regressed on the defensive end. Ignoring every other piece of context—Pau Gasol’s arrival, Derrick Rose’s return, Nikola Mirotic’s and Doug McDermott’s inexperience—that’s pretty funny.

Pssst! Hey again.

Did you know the Warriors are actually the collective version of Anthony Davis? Bet ya didn’t.

Pssst! Yo! This is the last time, I swear.

Did you also know we have some top-notch power rankings for you this week? I’m talking hot-fire that will have you sweating like The Rock in, well, every single one of his movies ever.

Throw your inside voices by the wayside. It’s time to get loud.

(Clears throat. Sips water. Clears throat again.)

LET’S GO.

*Welcome back to The Hoop Doctors’ PG-13 NBA Power Rankings, where almost anything goes. Language may sometimes not be suitable for those reading at work, in which case I recommend you don’t read these aloud or you get a new job. Like most PG-13 movies, we’ll permit one F-bomb per post. Those devoid of a sense of humor need not proceed.

***For a week by week list of all our NBA Power Rankings this season, please visit this page.

NBA Power Rankings

1

Golden State Warriors

No, seriously, the Warriors may never lose again.

Last Week (1)

2

Memphis Grizzlies

Only a matter of time before the Grizzlies fall from here, in my humble, not-at-all-trolling opinion. Consider this a preemptive eulogy: The Grizzlies came, they defended, they played above their head on offense and, thusly, they momentarily conquered.

Last Week (2)

3

Houston Rockets

Injuries + Below-average offense + No end in sight to said injuries + James Harden may also be injured + Trevor Ariza cooling off = the West’s fourth-best record(????????????????????).

Last Week (4)

4

Portland Trail Blazers

Twenty-one games through 2013-14, the Blazers were 17-4.

Twenty-one games through 2014-15, the Blazers are, again, 17-4.

Hot damn, they’re consistent.

Last Week (6)

5

San Antonio Spurs

Once Patty Mills and Tiago Splitter get healthy, and once Tony Parker stops having intermittent bouts of Aaron Brooks syndrome, the Spurs will be incredible—kind of like they are now, only more so.

Last Week (3)

6

Cleveland Cavaliers

Cleveland’s offense is clicking, David Blatt has given up on his “crunch-time Joe Harris” addiction and the defense—aided by favorable matchups—looks good. The Cavaliers should be atop the East by Christmas.

Last Week (8)

7

Los Angeles Clippers

Color me convinced that the Clippers are still title contenders. Sort of.

Last Week (9)

8

Dallas Mavericks

Playing fringe playoff basketball won’t do much for these Mavericks. They need to get their defense together, otherwise their offense must return to historical significance.

Last Week (5)

9

Toronto Raptors

Dropping the Raptors isn’t an insult. They’ve managed to stay atop the East without DeMar DeRozan.

To wit: HOLY SHIT.

Last Week (7)

10

Atlanta Hawks

The Atlanta Spurs…I mean, the San Antonio Hawks…are making moves, yo. Especially on offense.

Last Week (15)

11

Washington Wizards

Washington’s offense has looked better of late, which, to be sure, is not to be confused with “actually good.”

Last Week (10)

12

Chicago Bulls

Who would have thought the Bulls would rid themselves of Carlos Boozer and then decline defensively?

Last Week (11)

13

Phoenix Suns

This Suns team is a positionless enigma wrapped in a parable basted in a conundrum.

Last Week (12)

14

New Orleans Pelicans

If only the Pelicans had more than one Anthony Davis. They would be the best team in the league.

Last Week (16)

15

Oklahoma City Thunder

Consider this your “This is the last time Oklahoma City won’t rank in the top 10” alert.

Last Week (21)

16

Sacramento Kings

Keep Kings-ing, Kings.

Last Week (13)

17

Miami Heat

Pat Riley’s Heatles really need a potent bench presence. A new set of legs for Dwyane Wade wouldn’t hurt either.

Last Week (17)

18

Denver Nuggets

How long until the Nuggets realize they’re one superstar short of the playoffs and thus try to consolidate their assets in attempt to land said superstar?

Last Week (14)

19

Milwaukee Bucks

PLAY JOHN HENSON MORE, Jason.

Last Week (18)

20

Boston Celtics

There’s a better than good chance the Celtics nab a playoff berth out east.

Last Week (24)

21

Orlando Magic

Should Brooklyn actually blow up its roster—unlikely—the Magic, like the Celtics, will have a legit postseason case.

Last Week (22)

22

Brooklyn Nets

Razing the Nets’ current core would be a great idea—if, well, you know, razing their current core was at all possible.

Last Week (19)

23

Indiana Pacers

Raise your hand if you thought the race for eighth place in the East would come down to Indiana, Orlando, Brooklyn and Boston?

Last Week (20)

24

Los Angeles Lakers

When Kobe Bryant passes Michael Jordan on the all-time scoring list, it will be the greatest thing that never happened to Nick Young.

Last Week (23)

25

Utah Jazz

Still maintain that there’s something special to be gleaned from the Jazz’s offense. Rudy Gobert and Dante Exum need more playing time, though. Acquiring a three-and-D guy would go a long way, too.

Last Week (25)

26

Charlotte Hornets

At least they’re not as bad as the Knicks. Or Pistons.

Last Week (28)

27

Philadelphia 76ers

Honestly thought the Sixers would spend all year in dead last. Turns out I underestimated how much the basketball gods hate Minnesota, not to mention how shit-tastic the Knicks and Pistons truly are.

Last Week (30)

28

Minnesota Timberwolves

From before: The basketball gods hate Minnesota.

Last Week (26)

29

New York Knicks

Let’s make one thing clear: You cannot embrace the tank, however accidental, in New York. The Knicks are a team that will try to rebuild through free agency. Sucking wind and securing a top-five pick won’t seduce the Marc Gasols and Kevin Durants of the NBA.