Golden State Warriors

Golden State is on pace to be the second-winningest team in NBA history midway through the season. Let’s talk about this.

Last Week (1)

SPURS EAST.

Last Week (5)

Damian Lillard is the cold-blooded mutant that eats other cold-blooded mutants for breakfast, lunch, supper, dinner, dessert and a midnight snack. This is to say, he’s super clutch.

Also, the Blazers are good.

Last Week (2)

Impressive defense, shit-egressing offense. Daryl Morey needs to get these boys a point guard not named Patrick Beverley.

Last Week (6)

Rajon Rondo is finally playing defense again. And yet, he’s still not a max-contract player. Sorry, bruh.

Last Week (9)

Memphis Grizzlies

Trading for Jeff Green doesn’t make me like this team any more. They need some shooters who can score off the catch. Green doesn’t fit that bill. He’s basically a taller version of Tony Allen.

Last Week (3)

Washington Wizards

John Gotdamn Wall, ladies and gentlemen (and cold-blooded mutants). If not for him, the Wizards offense would be completely—as opposed to partially—boring. Furthermore, he may be the best defensive point guard in the NBA right now.

Last Week (8)

Chicago Bulls

Pau Gasol and Jimmy Butler look like dark-horse MVP candidates, but the Bulls are roller coaster-ing. Even though they’re almost a top-10 team on both ends, Tom Thibodeau’s veins are throbbing through his forehead somewhere right now.

Last Week (7)

LOOOOOOOOVE the Brandan Wright trade. Not sure it gives the Suns enough firepower to stave off the Thunder, but hey, shit just got real in Phoenix.

Last Week (14)

Really hope this team trades for a stretch forward who also defends. The Raptors are guarding opposing marksmen about as effectively as a crackhead who just snorted six boxes of baking soda.

Last Week (4)

Chris Paul: “Hey, Doc. We need a defensively staunch, offensively capable small forward.”

*Doc Rivers signs Dahntay Jones, who is none of those things, to a 10-day contract*

CP3: “No, Doc. A competent small forward who can actually help us.”

*Doc tries like mad to trade for his son, Austin Rivers, an inefficient combo guard*

CP3: “Forget it. Somebody get [Steve] Ballmer on Line 1. I don’t speak raspy.”

Last Week (10)

Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m a little worried about San An—*drops dead from filling the page with poisonous fiction*

Last Week (11)

New Orleans Pelicans

Still not over the fact that Anthony Davis is going to miss the playoffs.

Last Week (13)

Milwaukee Bucks

Giannis Antetokounmpo better participate in the dunk contest or, um, I swear I’m going to start misspelling his name again.

Last Week (16)

Oklahoma City Thunder

Kevin Durant + Russell Westbrook + Dion Waiters = BUH BYE, REGGIE JACKSON.

Last Week (15)

That I didn’t rank the Pistons just behind the Warriors tells you long-term temperance remains paramount for these weekly reactions.

Now, that being said, the Pistons are, in fact, everything.

Last Week (26)

Cleveland Cavaliers

Don’t worry, y’all it’s still early. Which, at this point, is code for: Watching the Cavs makes me start dry-heaving blood from the back of my throat into a styrofoam cup that Atlanta’s mascot, SkyHawk, will force me to guzzle down later.

Last Week (12)

Miami Heat

The Heat are a defense-poor team that’s apparently interested in trading for Brook Lopez. In related news, Pat Riley has also been hanging out in his window-less cigar cellar, huffing air duster by the cans again.

Last Week (18)

Denver Nuggets

Please trade Wilson Chandler, Denver. And Arron Afflalo. And then please make sure one or both of them go to Portland. Mmk thanks, bye.

Last Week (21)

Sacramento Kings

If the NBA’s MVP voting wasn’t so ambiguous, yet concretely specific at the same time, DeMarcus Cousins would be a legitimate candidate. But it is so insanely ambiguous and oddly specific—players on lottery teams can’t win it—so he’s not.

Last Week (19)

Charlotte Hornets

Something’s brewing in Charlotte. It’s either the scent of a playoff-berthing turnaround, or a potent whiff of Lance Stephenson preparing to fuck shit up.

Last Week (27)

Indiana Pacers

Indiana isn’t extraordinary. It’s extra, extra, extra ordinary.

Last Week (22)

Brooklyn Nets

DUMP EVERYONE. Except Deron Williams. Because, you know, there isn’t a team out there that actively hates themselves.

Last Week (17)

Orlando Magic

Confession time: Haven’t watched much of the Magic this year. But when I do tune in, my eyes are drawn toward Nikola Vucevic, who plays like a teddy bear with a mean-streak button.

Last Week (20)

Utah Jazz

Real talk: The Jazz aren’t great, but they have a legitimate long-term building block on the wing in Gordon Hayward. And while they’re still perimeter-shooting poor, Quin Snyder has them working the corners nicely.

Last Week (23)

Boston Celtics

Probably could have moved the Celtics up based off recent performances. At the same time, they’ve moved on from subtle tanking and into flagrantly flailing failure. I cannot, and will not, condone this*.

*Until next week, because I’m a man of loosely established morals and, frankly, love what Danny Ainge is doing.

Last Week (25)

Los Angeles Lakers

Shutting down Kobe Bryant would be stupid. But allowing Kobe to continue his sad, sorry march against time without becoming a catch-and-shoot three-point gunner would be stupider.

Last Week (24)

Most of me believed the Sixers wouldn’t leave the No. 30 slot all year. In light of recent events, though, I now firmly believe they’ll usurp the Warriors in no time.

Last Week (30)

Minnesota Timberwolves

See? The Sixers are so good they bumped the fun-to-watch Timberwolves down an entire spot…Someone call, er, whomever should be called in this situation: We have a future dynasty on our hands.

Last Week (28)

Apparently the Knicks may waive Amar’e Stoudemire out of charity if he wants to play for a contender.

To recap, the tanking Sixers won’t waive Andrei Kirilenko even though he refuses to report, but the tanking Knicks are ready to send STAT on his way, because he’s sad.

Your move, Hinkie.

Last Week (29)