Put your trust in this week’s edition of NBA Power Rankings.
With the regular season drawing to a close, it’s really time to start putting things in perspective. Quite randomly, I stumbled upon the idea to develop an unpolished trust meter for every team, good and bad, tanker and contender, the Philadelphia 76ers and San Antonio Spurs.
Why exactly?
Because I can.
And because it’s really time to understand what the hell is going on.
But mostly because I can.
Before getting underway, I want you to keep one thing in mind: These unvarnished trust meters are all relative.
Tankers won’t be measured against their ability to win, they’ll be measured against their ability to lose like they’re supposed to. This is all about expectations, and teams meeting those expectations. The more trustworthy the comparison, the higher they lie on our totally fictitious trust meter. The more untrustworthy the comparison—well, you get the point. Or at least you should.
Enough of these formalities, though. Trust me to avoid tangential anecdotes and get right to the point like you would a Vee-Dub Bus-driving, scruffy-beard sporting, marijuana-smelling middle-aged man to babysit your first born, or your Ferrari. Whichever is more important to you.
See what I did there?
Seriously, though, enough bullshit. Let’s hop to it.
**Welcome back to The Hoop Doctors’ PG-13 NBA Power Rankings, where almost anything goes. Language may sometimes not be suitable for those reading at work, in which case I recommend you don’t read these aloud or you get a new job. Like most PG-13 movies, we’ll permit one F-bomb per post. Those devoid of a sense of humor need not proceed.
***For a week by week list of all our NBA Power Rankings this season, please visit this page.
NBA Power Rankings
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San Antonio SpursTrust the Spurs like you would an immortal and infallible boy scout from the 1960’s who would move heaven, Earth and Rikishi just to help you cross the street. |
 Last Week (1) |
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Los Angeles ClippersTrust the Clippers like you would Batman. |
Last Week (2) |
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Oklahoma City ThundersTrust the Thunder like you would a mattress-fucking enthusiast to get off at Sleepy’s. |
 Last Week (7) |
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Houston RocketsTrust the Rockets like you would Dwight Howard to lose a no-talking contest. |
Last Week (8) |
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Memphis GrizzliesTrust the Grizzlies like you would chocolate- and peanut butter-based oatmeal to taste good. |
Last Week (6) |
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Miami HeatTrust the Heat like you would a fire-breathing chainsaw-juggler to successfully purchase life insurance. Unless it’s the postseason. Then trust the Heat like you would Guy Fieri with your food. |
 Last Week (3) |
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Golden State WarriorsTrust the Warriors like you would Austin Powers to brush his teeth. |
Last Week (5) |
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Indiana PacersTrust the Pacers like you would a rabid raccoon in your kitchen late at night to NOT eat your freshly baked boysenberry pie. |
Last Week (4) |
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Chicago BullsTrust the Bulls like you would The Rock to demolish a small country-sized stack of pancakes. |
Last Week (14) |
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Brooklyn NetsTrust the Nets like you would Lawrence Frank to save Jason Kidd from a burning building. |
Last Week (10) |
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Dallas MavericksTrust the Mavs like you would a skee-ball champion to run shit at a local Chuck E. Cheese ball-pit swimming tournament. |
Last Week (9) |
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Phoenix SunsTrust the Suns like you would a tub of fat-free french vanilla yogurt two days past its expiration date. |
Last Week (15) |
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Toronto RaptorsTrust the Raptors like you would Donald Duck to use a towel after getting out of the shower, despite never wearing pants. |
Last Week (13) |
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Washington WizardsTrust the Wizards like you would Snooki NOT to mix Nutella and pickle juice in her fruity pebbles. |
Last Week (11) |
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Charlotte BobcatsTrust the Bobcats like you would a three-legged human being to win a unicycle-stunt competition. |
Last Week (16) |
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Portland Trail Blazers“Trust the Portland Trail Blazers like you would impish infants around unprotected, active outlets. Trust the Blazers like you would known pastry capers behind the counter of unattended, fully stocked bakeries. Trust the Blazers like you would Kendrick Perkins with a game-winning three from four-point range.” –Yours truly while eviscerating the Blazers. |
Last Week (12) |
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New Orleans Pelicans“Trust the Pelicans like you would trust Anthony Davis’ unibrow’s ability to make panties drop on Bourbon Street.” –Bleacher Report’s Adam Fromal, Resident Unibrow Enthusiast |
Last Week (19) |
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New York KnicksTrust the Knicks like you would your grandma to successfully complete a series of 47 cartwheels on a tightrope strung across the New York City skyline during blizzard-like conditions while wearing slabs of concrete for shoes and simultaneously chewing 17 Airheads. |
Last Week (17) |
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Minnesota TimberwolvesTrust the Timberwolves like you would Tiger woods with your wife, girlfriend or inflatable bang stick. |
Last Week (18) |
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Cleveland CavaliersTrust the Cavs like you would a naked dendrophiliac in the heart of Congo Basin. |
Last Week (22) |
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Denver NuggetsTrust the Nuggets like you would Spurs coach Gregg Popovich to win a smiling competition. |
Last Week (21) |
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Atlanta Hawks“Trust the Hawks like you trust Al Horford’s chest and shoulders to stay in one piece.” -Fromal, Hawks Fan |
Last Week (20) |
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Sacramento KingsTrust the Kings like you would a dipsomaniac in the stock room of a liquor store. |
Last Week (25) |
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Los Angeles LakersTrust the Lakers like you would Soulja Boy Tell Em to put out good music more than once. |
Last Week (24) |
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Detroit PistonsTrust the Pistons like you would an open-legged Miley Cyrus at an orgy. |
Last Week (22) |
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Boston CelticsTrust the Celtics like you would the Rugrats at Reptar On Ice. |
Last Week (27) |
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Orlando MagicTrust the Magic like you would Al Capone with your hundy-stick-filled wallet. |
Last Week (28) |
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Utah JazzTrust the Jazz like you would Justin Bieber next to an open bottle of asshole pills. |
Last Week (26) |
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Milwaukee BucksTrust the Bucks like you would celibate monks at a Victoria Secret fashion show. |
Last Week (29) |
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Philadelphia 76ersTrust the Sixers like you would Victoria Justice to post an Instagram selfie at least once every three days. |
Last Week (30) |
