Presidents’ Day is here at last and to honor it today, here is, based on combing the internet for Presidential trivia and factoids, one attempt at an eight man roster of United States Presidents for the hardwood. Use this topic at your Presidents’ Day theme party tonight to really get the conversation rolling. Talk about an ice breaker! Let’s take a look at the roster:
Point guard – John Quincy Adams (5’7″).
It says here that Quincy Adams regularly took naked swims in the Potomac River to get his days started off on the right foot. What he lacked in height could be made up for in his limitless energy and endurance — you know, from all that swimming — as well as sheer bold, brash play on the court (because of the nudity) that makes so many point guards revered leaders in the eyes of their teammates.
Comparisons: Steve Nash, Allen Iverson, Sam Cassell.
Shooting guard – Barack Obama (6’1″).
Obama’s game has probably been analyzed more than any other Presidents’, so of course he’s going to start here. At the two guard spot, he’s probably shifting a bit from his more-customary point position, but his left-handedness could make him tough to defend on the wing, where, along with streaky outside shooting, he would use his distributing skills to keep the ball moving and set up teammates as he slashed and pressured the defense through constant motion.
Comparisons: Manu Ginobili, Richard Hamilton, Jason Terry.
Small forward – Andrew Jackson (6’1″).
According to this, Jackson allegedly took part in over 100 duels in his lifetime, setting him up as the fearless late-game isolation scorer that every championship team needs. No one-on-one matchup would faze him as the shot clock neared zero, as duels with basketballs are almost always safer than duels with guns.
Comparisons: Carmelo Anthony, Paul Pierce, Kevin Durant.
Power forward – Gerald Ford (6’0″).
At only six feet, Ford would be undersized for this position, but with his experience as a championship-caliber lineman at the University of Michigan he brings a gritty toughness to the team; Ford’s all-out defensive work and effort will likely be the inspirational beacon for the team as a whole during tough stretches.
Comparisons: Chuck Hayes, Glen Davis, Jon Brockman.
Center – Abraham Lincoln (6’4″).
The tallest President still comes up short in the basketball world and will probably have to play more of a stretch five, but Honest Abe, with the beard and top hat, will be the team’s stylistic leader by a landslide. He will also serve as the unofficial team psychiatrist, with his musings and speeches keeping the team driven on the court and in good spirits off.
Comparisons: Bill Walton, Kevin Love, Al Horford.
Bench.
George H.W. Bush (6’2″) – With high school basketball experience and good size, the elder Bush will be a nice lift off the pine at multiple positions; good for a small team that will have to rely more on an up-and-down running style of play.
Jimmy Carter (5’9″) – Carter ran track and cross country in the Naval Academy, making him a valuable sub at the guard spots, a guy who can come in and keep the offense churning at a blistering pace with no let-up.
Lyndon B. Johnson (6’4″) – In the same vain as Bush, Johnson will need to spell Lincoln for stretches when he calls too many fouls on himself (Lincoln doesn’t lie, you guys). Plus, Johnson is the original LBJ, meaning he needs to be on a basketball team.
So there you have it, folks, let the debates began. And have a fantastic Presidents’ Day.
Griffin Gotta contributes to The Hoop Doctors and is a co-managing editor of Straight Outta Vancouver. The story arcs and infinite weirdness of the NBA are addictions he deals with every day. Email him at griffingotta at gmail dot com.
